Shaban

sad joy

2011-09-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

sad joy
life seems for me to be filled with intense sadness,
so intense it is an awful joy

a joy of being
tears may push out yet, joy is in each drop
a deep joy of being in the impermanent permanence
compelled to let go and accept the glaring beauty that is.

When Being awakes!

2011-09-19T02:03:00.000-07:00

when Being awakens, Gods are visible every where.
...in people, in chairs, in lyrics to songs.
yet not IN them but permeating through, around, with no starting point or ending point.
what was un-seen, has always been there. here.
this is the reflection of Buddha.

Heart's knowing and Wuzhi

2011-09-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

She said "your heart needs to think more positively"
I was infuriated!
I replied my Heart is not wrong! it tells me true things. I believe Heart is honest. not at fault.

I read Zhuang zi.
-on the idea of Wuzhi. a knowing with-out knowing. a mode of knowing.
This is also known as Heart or.....I believe this is the perfect showing of this mode....or...So it seems to me.
I felt sad as Heart knows I cant be with her in the future. It seems Heart knows destiny before it's birth.
I trust my Heart. I trust Heart.
it could be wrong, however, but as for now Heart needs to be respected and tended to.
perhaps this is its wanting

letting joy exist

2011-09-15T02:27:00.001-07:00

tears at the surface,
ready to break the last edge of defense
of flow stopping.

She asked- why do I think she's happy?
I replied- because you exist

all these little details, plans.. mean so little.
just the being is all
Burning in joy.
A burning, glowing joy that radiates out and inward

inner smile

2011-09-15T02:15:00.000-07:00

always let go
with an inner smile
appreciate all this indiscriminately,
without distinctions.
for all is reflection of Being.
let go with tears,
yet, with an inner smile of
appreciation

hope comes again,

2011-06-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yet, hurt will come, I am sure of it.
open my heart and hope again,
hope, I wish it would leave me alone,
It invites so much hurt,
in the future, not letting joy be for what is.
I understand Hillman's words that hope is dangerous.

she is so beautiful,
ideas rush through my heart.
yet, I am sure disappointement will come again,
this past decade has been filled with daily high hopes
to be disappointed,

when did I become so hopeless? where did the positive young one go?

2011-06-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

She said " I feel every day is the same"
- I asked if she was bored
this is her reply:

"i am very fond of children,We live in perfect accord with each other every day.
i am working happy every day.so i feel everyday is same."

I feel like a fool when I hear this.
How do I live in so much conflict?
Ashamed to not let harmony be and see the gift of being love.

yet, 3 small sentences from a stranger, may be enough to remember or to reveal what is possible, what is there beneath the murky waters-

Focus returns

2011-06-17T08:35:00.001-07:00

Focus returns. 1.18.2011 12.15 moon’s life

A full moon comes again. Yet, it is the full moons first time here. The word again is taken out. Then the real appears.

Something New. Maybe the idea of it being the same moon is a misunderstanding.

What here in this as if world is Old? – no thing

She came through the door, I have known the name a long time, the physical appearance, yet she is New, never known, nor met in a as if past!

This is the Minds confusion to think from the past thought.

Yet, the New is always coming- pouring fourth in the as if now.

Ah, is that so?

I asked her, and I heard (as if) “no”..

Discontent. Sadness begins to emerge. Of the Old.

There is no need to try to deny or stop it, let it come freely as it wishes,

Yet,a smile of a calm knowing and ok one appears to the front…. because it knows that the universe is a mystery, nothing has been “Lost, taken, or hurt” absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing.

Just a smile and a gentle appearing turn in a streams path.

There is a freeing in not fighting against ones nature, ones gifts that are brought. And the gift of something not doing what mind is thinking it wants. When mind doesn’t even know, just thinks it knows what is good for it..the understanding that when something appears to leave also is the gift received! There is no taking and giving in this life actually, just constant pouring of the New.

So, I literally send a message ..is that so. With a smile, or with the original relaxed unmanipulated face. One day I can just have this smile come and not need to put the words out.

Just a relaxed face.

Mind awakens-

2011-06-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

Mind awakens- 1-5-11

Burns with ideas surfacing

Or the space opens and lets being in.

This is related to the moon.

Again and again in my life I have noticed, perceived that there are times when ideas and thoughts are clear. Are present. Appear and come in floods of ..pouring with not struggling ideas and fightings with itself as the previous days. In the mind and in the (as if) physical. But ideas of being, of love, of answers to questions to non-appearing questions to life, that in some way are necessary, important, and are for change, to see the new.

I used to question these and may still do, yet, last night I had a flood of them again, on teaching from love, answers to relating to people, seeing through and, being.

I saw 4117 last night, again only when things show I am walking, moving in the way of tao. ( and you may not be able to not move in the way of tao) but this is the revealing of tao. Of the way.

In this flood of ideas,,, the idea appeared to me. Perceiving the shift of being. The shift of less confusion, more peace. Or love and ideas. And in this around this of this, the moon’s state. To be growing. I will now look at my calendar to see,wait.

…yes. Precisely. Last night was the first day of the moons growing.

Song of the wind

2011-06-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Woke up, or so it seems, this morning, in the same house, with the same thoughts.

The Way of the Wayless

2011-06-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

The way of the wayless. 12-17-10 the way

Fixed ideas I bounce from one to another,

Repeating them quietly

Whispering the same

There is no unfixed idea,

Only moments or glimpses between,

The silence between the breaths

There is a space for the new,

The New is the way.

Yet the new is not the way once it is reviewed, or noticed.

A seeing through is an image.

Spontaneous it is but when it is reflected on it is old.

Yet the old to be seen through is of value.

focus on the single, so much is missed

2011-06-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

all this focusing on the single one to find, all this finding: again Mind makes forgetting, keeps the Old in tight grip, yet water flows through always.
-again, coming to the Old, a tiredness of looking-breaks and the New remembered.

life is all passing
all temporary,
therefor be joyful with the All around
give up the search, allow the New to flow
Mind is tricking you, fearful of death.
Yet, death is the remedy to know in order to awaken.

Let go of this single idea, the life that is not here.

Chinese chickens

2011-06-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

The Chinese are very honest people in general.
Today I ate a chicken. Not some chicken, but a chicken.
When your Chinese friend drops off a chicken for you as a gift, you know what you are eating.
today as I ate this delicious animal. the head and feet were all in their proper locations. I was so impressed by the depth that was given to my lunch. this ritual of eating.
as i was eating, I knew what i was eating, because the head was connected and the beak opened as if its last moments were not a gentle passing but a kicking, screaming and a holding on to life.e
the claws looked as a humans may at a morgue after the washing a few days after death: slimy and smelly. perhaps like a fetus. i felt like Hannibal Lectur a bit. As if i went out and captured some person and brought them to my hidden basement to kill them cook them and eat the body.
I appreciate this honesty. I want to know what I am eating. I am not against eating chickens.
But now when I buy a chicken I will try to buy it with its full body. it just seems proper and enriching to the ritual.
In America when you buy a chicken from most restaurants, you would be shocked to see the head and feet still where they should be.
I accidentaly broke its neck when i picked it up looking for more meat. this snapping made me want to say sorry. although it was dead, i felt i was doing more harm by breaking its neck and tearing off the meat.
Now it lies on my table in broken bones and a full head and fingers. it appears to have met a horrible fate.
I am tempted to bury it in the yard.

Missing the New, operating in the Known

2011-06-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

12.21.10

“It is easy to experience nirvana alone in the mountains” But to do this in the city is arduous”- Osho. Unknown story of the monk going to the masters house celebrating his enlightenment, to be shot scolded by the master.

I thought I was somewhere. A place of untouchable-ness.

Yet the first sign of city, the world, of troubles. I collapsed, later to find myself(as if) standing in the same step, same posture, same habitual reaction. I have always been on. No transformation. No difference. Opportunity came, the New was there, and missed!

To follow this thread would be to wait with awareness for the next moment of opportunity to see through to minds reactions out of fear.

I pray to the Gods to grant me this experience of new vision

beijing's depth

2010-08-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

Beijing is here, and has pressed under her waters; as the first fall into a stormy sea, pulled deeply under spinning. what seems as if. me
the further you go to a place that is unfamiliar; the more you touch mind deeply. memories of past hurried to present themselves in the now. here i believe is the beginning of appreciation, the gentle waking of gratitude. A Yearning to re-turn to Love. the yearning of return seems to be most accutley tasted the unknown, in the unfamiliar...yet, the New seems to be waiting to be discovered here-

content

2010-05-06T03:46:00.000-07:00

If i wake up in the morning with a heart to, awareness to accept the new that comes,
lightly moving in action in a dance carrying an aim, I think -
my life will be enough!

As Professor Bebeau said " look into that. see what is there, follow the thread"

this may be enough

this life is temporal, a temporal reflection,
a temporal movement to re.member

Perceiving the New, dropping the Old

2010-04-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

Courage is harder than one thinks, or should I say that I thought. Fear even when it is blocking the sun's rays is easy to live with. It takes little effort to keep around and to adapt to. It seems one can go ones entire later life living with this companion. Even welcoming them. Why? Maybe for the most obvious reason; it keeps us away from the new. The unknown. Or so the mind believes. Courage is needed to accept the unknown, the same unknown that keeps popping up in those particular places and thoughts. Yet, it is easier to put them aside for the future, that doesn't ever come. I mean the future is constantly coming and going yet that moment of dropping habit never comes. But it can. Only in the now. Never in the future. What is it your New that you are avoiding? It may be as subltle as walking home a different path, yet it is not in that planned path that you decided to find the new. It is the moment that your eye is caught and you make that sublte turn. There it is!~ the new. Ever subtle but transformative.

in the 'as if' style

2009-08-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

As if. this is the way to live. in this style of 'as if' . deliteralizing the hardness's around us and within our ideas, thoughts. I do not mean to live in denial, that would be different. and dangerous. as if is more accurate to the actor on stage, thhe Indian Lela or the Japanese Kabuki.
I am now an enlgish teacher,as if. Acting this role. Seeing through its literalzations. as if i am a writer.

Stories, Fragments and Dreams

2009-07-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

this is the name of this blog. stories. maybe i can write some. maybe not, then they will be fragments. and dreams? yes, i journal my dreams. not all, but many. especially the ones that grab me. do i analyze them? not really. just look at them. I dont even stick with them much, for i guess they will stick with me if they desire so. I hope others will have a little interest in this blog.
-David

the outer beauty

2009-07-20T04:31:00.000-07:00

...she is beautiful. the image that I perceive. Or is it She who perceives me?
...I think the psychologist were very wrong when they say beauty is inside. Have they never seen her? She is most truly out there.

the unapologetic emotional man

2009-07-20T03:52:00.000-07:00

emotion,
emotes.
do we need to be sorry for being emotional?
as a man?
of course not!
I have said my million sorries from shame for being emotional
then i realized, apologies are not necessary

I met a girl in the subway.she didnt answer

2009-05-25T01:05:00.000-07:00

it is hard to be cursed to be a carrier of love, with no one to accept it. no one to recieve it and no one to give me the same. where does one place it?
a part from the fluffy enlightened advice of give it to your self. or the zen advice of let it go.
it needs a container, and that container needs to be an image and i wish it woudl be in a warm blooded woman...
what a lonely place to be.

the god's appearance on stage. gratitude to the Boss

2009-05-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

If he is the Boss , he is the most Giving Boss.
A force. In extremis. Bruce Springsteen's energy and music heart thumps and pours forcefully forward. But not only forward does it propel it moves out. out in all directions. The Boss conjuring love to all directions...dispersed then, encapsulating one's soul, warming it sending chills in the human body.
this is one of the gods becoming present. The barcelona concert is that god showing up on that certain night to that particular party. and the god doesnt come evey night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFAr2AbvvF8

it's not your parents fault: the parent fallacy

2009-05-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

I am not needy or lonely because my mother did not love me enough or my dad was not around. absent.
No, no. this ground was already here. these actors were already in place; out of Necessity.
She didnt leave me because i am not good enough. no she left me because i chose the one to leave me. and i am the not good enough cahracter in the fantasy.
the third chaper needed the actors... but the stroy can be turned.
this story came with me already lived through the womb.
of course i chose, out of free will, her and not the other. yet the urges push the urges forward. laying the ground for a climactic emotional vessel.
but by seeing through, the story may be turned.

The necessity of The Vessel of Emtion(the Gods?)

2009-05-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

Emotion needs a carrier. It searches and eventually finds a carrier. Mine was , this time, Anna.
Too young, Korean, Korean parents, all the pieces for disaster. A tragic ending a place, a Loci, for emotion to be heard. To be recognized be revealed!
Did I pick her? I dont believe so. I believe the Gods picked her, nudged me towards her..Emotion wanted her. NOt her as the personal maybe but the everything around and the ..

Fantasy, As If, Story

2009-05-20T19:07:00.001-07:00

On Anna,my heart and a well liked fantasy?
Voice: Look it David. You knew or predicted all along that Anna was not ready, mature enough, or even available to settle down with you. And now you act dramticaly and surprised! Is this your choice of fantasies? The chosen drama you are acting in. The Hurt Boy? The Tragic Victim? The Lonely? The Wounded Child? Man?